Published October 5, 2005
brad had a girlfriend once when he was twelve
she kissed him twice (on the cheek)
and leapt into the pond
her face pale like a doll’s
her blue tears blended into the dark water
her father watching from the living room window
as she drowned, drowned and then
floated like a plastic buoy
yeah, he watched the news
he watched the police arrest the bad man, the child rapist, the serial killer
he watched the man’s wife step in front of a garbage truck
and flatten on the street
but still he could not get the last image of her out of his head
she was wearing a dress
a floral print with violet blossoms
and that beautiful, horrible, beautiful crimson running down her leg
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And this is why you don't critique poetry, Jordan.
Lin... this is gruesome, but beautiful. The problem is, it doesn't flow very well to me... It might help if you separated it into two stanzas, maybe just before "yeah."
Try using verbs that aren't as common as "drowned" and "flatten." It will give this poem a little more depth, I think.
What is the point of this? To sicken us? To "wake us up to the real world"? Every time I read a poem like this, I remember why I don't like poetry. It's got no real artistry to it- it's just one, long, run-on or something without punctiation or capitalizaion. It doesn't use language to convey an effect.
It just tells a story about some extremely perverted and sad story. EMO.